I have been married for nearly 20 years and I consider myself to be a child of God. I grew up in a Christian household that placed Christ at the center. My parents are wonderful role models that have been married for 47 years. You could assume I had the perfect foundation to live a life, free from immorality.
My biggest test came around my 44th birthday when one of my high school crushes wished me a happy birthday and started chatting to me over Facebook Messenger. It started very innocently and I believe at that very moment there were no sinister motives from either side. We were just friends reconnecting. We spoke about where life took us. We both wanted to know where the other’s parents are. At face value, you could say we did what good friends do. We cared
A CONFLUENCE OF EVENTS
Our friend Lynette uses cups as analogies for how we connect emotionally with our loved ones. She stresses that it is impossible to pour from an empty cup. If you allow your cup to run dry it almost always becomes the gap where the enemy would penetrate your defenses
On May 29, 2021, my wife lost her grandmother at the age of 97. The cliche of a full life resonated in messages of condolences. But to my wife, a matriarch of the family that has been there for her whole life was no longer there. Her grief cup was being tested and the emotions of dealing with the grief started depleting her cup.
At 6:15 am on June 3 2021 my dad let me know that my sister died after a 12 year battle with cancer. I mean the cliche of a 12-year battle means we had to expect that she would pass away soon. But the grief I felt was overwhelming. Suddenly with the grief of the previous week, my grief cup found itself empty.
My wife tried to pour from her empty cup into mine but there was nothing.
It was at this junction that my school friend tried to console me and it felt good that there was someone I could talk to. I could express my anguish and she encouraged me. This quickly evolved to a point where we started to have feelings for each other. We acted on these feelings. I justified it by declaring marriage dead. After all, I am an adult and I can make my own choices.
THE DAY I LEFT
July 3, 2021. The previous night I could not sleep. The guilt of what I did was too much to bear. At around 4 am I started packing my bags and I told my wife I had an affair and that I am leaving her for another woman. Her plea came “Please do not walk away from 20 years” but my heart was hardened and I left to be with my fantasy. It felt like love.
THE DOOR AND THE LIE
Trying to pour from an empty cup, the enemy sees that opportunity and he will almost always use your empty cups to get a foothold. You see in John 10:10 we are warned that he wants to steal, kill and destroy.
- We care for each other how can that be wrong.
- We are not children anymore and sex is part of being an adult
- We want to do the right thing when the divorce is finalised we will get married
- We will care for the kids and make sure they feel loved
- We will not make the same mistakes again and appreciate each other
- etc.
Notice the fact that I mention everything in the first person. I can easily try and blame the enemy, but I made the choices. We made the choices. But those lies are birthed by the enemy in our hearts. And at face value, they even seem noble.
THE SINGLE TRUTH IN AN AFFAIR
An affair is not designed to survive reality. Full stop. You see, an affair is based on fantasy. No matter your intentions and your promises. As soon as “real life” returns, fissures start appearing and normal daily stresses hit away at these tiny cracks. Now under the normal biblical principle of the covenant of marriage, you have the protection of the covenant. In the illegitimate fantasy, there cannot be a covenant. It becomes impossible to maintain such a relationship. As a result, in my case, it became apparent that my children and their issues became an intrusion in this affair.
The fact is actually that this affair is a complete intrusion, violating a covenant with God.
17 OCT 2021
That day I saw a physical manifestation of God’s grace in the form of a person. My wife accepted me back without hesitation. Without asking for time to think about it.
You see I was a prodigal spouse and as Domenic Herbst says pray for the prodigal to return, but you cannot pray that they return to you. You need to pray that they return to God. This miracle became a great work of God because on Monday 11 Oct 2021 we signed the divorce papers and where it felt “Over and Done”. God said no. God started a great work in us both
So the answer to the question. IS THERE A WAY BACK AFTER AN AFFAIR? Only through the grace of God and the mercy of his son Jesus Christ
